april 18th

four years ago, i woke up and got ready for work and was goofing off on the computer to kill some time.  i saw in the history a site that linked to something something illusion.  i clicked it expecting optical illusions, or magic tricks.  what i found was a blog talking about my blog.  the last post was in response to something i’d written about the lady downstairs running her dryer all the time.  the blogger wrote something along the lines of, “i lived there for over 2 and half months, i never heard a dryer.  i’m confused.” 

as i read more, i realized that it was written by a woman who knew my husband and evidently it was a secret blog.  with my heart racing and my stomach attempting to switch into reverse, i went and woke up my husband to ask him about the blog.  he assured me that it wasn’t written about me and that it was a link from one of his message boards and that he wasn’t cheating on me and that i had nothing to worry about.  he swore on all but his dead mother’s grave. 

i collected myself and went to work.  i was a zombie most of the day because i just kept replaying what happened that morning.  my husband even stopped by work to make sure i was ok.  which he never did. 

when i went home that afternoon, i checked the site again.  it had been taken down.  using super sleuth skills, i spent about 4 hours tracking down the owner of the site, and personal information and found out that she lived in Amarillo.  that hit a little too close to home.  also the name of the girl was the same as the one on the voice mail that i called one night after seeing a recurring number that only texted and called my husband when he had left for work every day.

i finally resorted to seeing if i could log into my husband’s email account.  nothing in the inbox.  nothing in saved folders.  but in the trash, i found an email reading, “Filthy Hooker has accepted your request to join gmail”.  odd.  the website was registered to Filthy Hooker as well.  and then i found the deleted email from Filthy Hooker. 

(i’m paraphrasing… but you’ll get the gist)  “you just left to go get your wife and i don’tknow what to do.  i miss you and  i miss feeling you inside me and the way we fit together when you lay next to me.  you are my soul mate.  i came home with my box of stuff from the house and took it upstairs crying and my mom couldn’t figure out why.  i don’t know what i am going to do.  i know you are doing this for you and you said you wanted to give your marriage a fair shot, but know that when it doesn’t work out, i will be here, waiting to jump into your arms and live happily ever after.  like Galileo loves the stars, -me”

i still cant believe that i remember as much of that email as i do.  i called allie in tears and told her what i found.  i didn’t know if i wanted to throw up or catch all his shit on fire.  i felt so helpless and betrayed. 

i sat on the couch and cried.  and cried and cried some more.  and when he called me on his way home like he did every night, i didn’t answer.  i couldn’t.  when he got home with his wendy’s bag in hand, he saw that i was incredibly upset and had a pile of used tissues in front of me and was crying and rocking on the couch.  when he asked what was wrong, i pointed at the computer monitor.  he walked behind the couch and i couldn’t look at him.  i heard the wendy’s bag drop to the ground as he realized what i had found. 

he sat down and said he didn’t know what to say.  i told him to tell me everything.  i asked question after question.  his arms folded tighter and tighter across his chest as he grew more and more uncomfortable and defenseless against what he’d done. 

at one point, i took off my wedding rings and threw them on the table and said, “obviously these mean nothing to you if you aren’t completely committed to me anymore.”  he hated that and asked me to put them back on.  i said when he made a choice of which woman he was going to love, i would make my decision from there.  and i then stayed on the couch that night reeling from what had happened. 

the reason it was such a big blow was since i had met him, he had told me about all the girls that cheated on him and that it was the one thing that would destroy us.  i had been completely betrayed. 

the next day after work, i went to the bookstore to find books on how to handle this situation.  he had asked me not to tell anyone, so i wasn’t sure where to turn.  i devoured those books in the days that passed.  and i realized that he had a tough decision to make and i needed to let him know what i had to offer.  and i wrote him a letter that i poured my heart and soul into.  it was three weeks before i put my rings back on.  because he chose me. 

the six months after that were the best our relationship had ever been.  and then it went downhill again.  by May of the next year we had uttered the word, “divorce”.  i moved out on July 19th of 2006.  we were divorced on January 22, 2007.

i stand here today still breathing.  i was afraid at one point i wouldn’t make it through this.  i was afraid that i wouldn’t bounce back from one of the most devastating things that ever happened to me.  i have slowly come to realize that he still talked to her when he said he didn’t.  i know that he lied more than i allowed myself to dispute.  i know that he has chosen to live his life with her and she is a bad carbon copy of me.

but in all of those realizations, i realized that i am worth more than he could ever offer.  i have learned how to bounce back and see the world with new eyes.  not jaded eyes.  not bitter eyes.  i have learned how to use my words.  and what a partnership SHOULD be.  and the most important thing that i have learned, is how to love again.  i was most afraid that this would have crippled me.  and it didn’t.  i love.  completely.  i have some reservations, but i have found someone that i can trust and love who understands and accepts my baggage.   and i’m happy. 

four years later, i am able to write this without the sadness i had.  sure, it was painful at the time.  and still pains me sometimes when i think about it, but i am ok.  I AM OK.

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5 thoughts on “april 18th

  1. from my mom: I’m so proud of you for getting through all that mess and for knowing that you got through t and that you are strong and worth it. I’m glad you have found out again that you can love (I never doubted it, not once, because that is why you are on this earth – to love and be loved).

    Love you

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