Austin: bbbbaaabbbbyyyy

Christel: hi handsome!

Austin: sup gurl

Christel: i don’t ever want to get old

Austin: we’re not, baby

Christel: i had a lady bring in a bill that i reprinted for her last month

Christel: on it IN MY HANDWRITING it read

Christel: “CALL CUSTOMER SERVICE and the number TO CANCEL PAPERLESS BILLING AND CHANGE ADDRESS”

Christel: so after she paid her bill she asked me when she was going to get another invoice

Christel: and then POINTED TO THE FIRST PAGE OF THE BILL

Christel: i said, well, i wrote on there 2 weeks ago what you needed to do in order to get your bill. have you done that?

Christel: “NO. what does all that mean?”

Christel: /facepalm

Austin: awwwwwwww

Christel: then the man that came in right after her…

Christel: said his phone wouldn’t ring.

Austin: it was off….

Christel: so i changed the profile from meeting to outdoor

Austin: whooooooo

Christel: and then he asked if that was something that HE could do

Christel: i said yes.

Austin: hahaha

Christel: go to menu.

Christel: “where’s menu?”

Christel: it’s on the screen and hit the button underneath it.

Christel: “this one?” points to power button

Christel: no sir. the one RIGHT under where it says menu

Austin: get AWAY from the cust svr

Christel: and then navigate your way to the gears. the gears always mean settings

Austin: sell sell sell

Austin: lol

Christel: “how do i do that”

Christel: you touch that silver pad with the arrows on it to get to the gears symbol

Christel:  up down left right select start AB AB AB

Christel: then he lands there

Austin: select start!

Christel: i said, then use the center button to select it?

Christel:  ”where is the center button?”

Christel: “you know we old people ain’t no good at this”

Christel: i said, HONEY it is the MIDDLE BUTTON IN THE CENTER

Christel: “mash this?”

Christel: yes sir… “MASH” it

Austin: MASH

Austin: popcorn sutton

Christel:  my GAY says MASH

Austin: make da mash

Christel: finally i sent him on his way

Christel: only AFTER he asked about the “NICE BLACK FELLA”

Austin: OMG

Christel: yep

Christel: i’m making a sign for my coffee trailer.

Christel: “DUMB QUESTIONS WILL BE RIDICULED”

Christel: PROCEED AT YOUR OWN CAUTION

Austin: hahaha

Christel: so that’s why my numbers are low this month.

Austin: poor thing

Christel: yay

Austin: send them on down the line

—30 minutes later—

Christel: DEAR GOD!!!! the man on the phone asked me “how much would my bill go up if i added the $30 data plan”

Christel: i said “thirty dollars”

Austin: did you hang up?

Christel: he said, “yes.. the thirty dollar plan.”

Christel: i said, it would go up by $30

Christel: he asked “well then how much would i pay each month for that”

Christel: i said TAKE YOUR BILL… ADD 30

Christel:” well how much IS that?”

Christel: sir, i don’t know how much your bill is normally.

Christel: “well its about $119″

Christel: well i think i can do that without a calculator. if your bill is $119 and i ADD 30… then by MY math… and correct me if i am wrong, that equals $149

Christel: no lie.

Austin: i couldn’t imagine

Christel: i can’t make this stuff up

today is your Kindergarten graduation and i am missing it.  i had to be at work.  and i really wanted to be there for you.  because of work i have missed field trips and class parties and baseball games.  and i am sorry.

i even told your DaDa this morning,  ”i get all of the tough stuff and none of the reward.”

to which he said, “no you don’t” and nodded for me to turn around.

and there you were.  with wildflowers you picked from our yard, in your little hand.  holding them out to me.

and i cried.

i DO get the rewards.

i was there (and cried) when you started Kindergarten and i picked you up from your first day of school and we made your hand-print.  i was there when you read your first sentence all by yourself.  i was there when you lost your first tooth.  i was there when you counted all the way to a hundred.  i was there for your first book fair.  (i look forward to you asking me for money for many years to come!) and i was there for science fair and class awards ceremonies.

you reward me every day.  i am so in love with you and in love with having you in my life.  you grow too fast and learn too much.  you DO listen to what i say and i hear your love for me in the things you say and the way you look at me at night if the hug to kiss ratio isn’t even.

thank you BabyCakes.  i wasn’t there today for your graduation, but i WILL be there for your entire life.

you are Amazing, Awesome and Wonderful.  and i love you.

~your christel

either way,  i miss it.

i wanted to call it the WIO sampler… as in Why Imbibe One? but WIO said that people don’t know what imbibe means.  i told him only HE doesn’t know what it means.  at least he’s pretty.

but i have settled on Saucy’s Seven and Uncle Knuckles Nine in return for my ultra amazing idea i only want it named after me and bragging rights.  who doesn’t love bragging rights?

I’ve tried all the major religions, and most of the minor ones.  I’ve worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan.

I know things.  For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball.  When I heard that, I gave Jesus a chance.  But it just didn’t work out between us.  The Lord laid too much guilt on me.  I prefer metaphysics to theology.  You see, there’s no guilt in baseball, and it’s never boring… which makes it like sex.  There’s never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn’t have the best year of his career.  Making love is like hitting a baseball: you just gotta relax and concentrate.  Besides, I’d never sleep with a player hitting under .250… not unless he had a lot of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle. 

You see, there’s a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys.  I can expand their minds.  Sometimes when I’ve got a ballplayer alone, I’ll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him, and the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen.  ‘Course, a guy’ll listen to anything if he thinks it’s foreplay.  I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe, and pretty. 

‘Course, what I give them lasts a lifetime; what they give me lasts 142 games.  Sometimes it seems like a bad trade.  But bad trades are part of baseball – now who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for God’s sake?  It’s a long season and you gotta trust.  I’ve tried ‘em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church of Baseball.

http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/41/unicorn-meat.shtml

Birthday vs. Fruitcake

Apple vs. Grasshopper

Angel Food vs. Pound

Pecan vs. Banana Cream

Coffee vs. Bundt

Peanut Butter vs. Boston Cream

i mean ink like a tattoo.  i am ITCHING for a new one.  neat choice of words regarding tattos, no?

i have decided i want my owl.  and since i already have “aithne” tattooed on the back of my neck which is gaelic for “knowledge” and is a derivitive of Athena, i have decided on an Athene Noctua owl.

isn’t he GORGEOUS????

i also have decided that i want a tattoo of  a slice of cake.  no for real.  i know it’s FAT KID… but it means a bunch to me.  listen to Kiddo say “i like caaaaake” one time and you will understand.  a buddy at work is going to design my cake one.  i’m thrilled!

i like CAKE!

Bowski.  <—(make with the clicking)

I recently lost my grandpa. He was a major part of my life and I feel like a piece of me is missing. A part of my life that has always been there is gone now. I know he’s in a better place and he’s not gone from the hearts and minds of those he loves, but it doesn’t stop it from hurting. To know I will never see his face, hear his voice, be in his presence… it breaks me into pieces. Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I right this. One of the strongest men in my life, one of my heroes, one of the reasons for who I am today is forever gone.

To say he was a perfect man would be lying. He, like everyone, had his share of downfalls. But to say that he was a good man, and a good grandfather is no stretch of the imagination. He did all he could to be there for me. He doted on me, saw me often, and always tried to make it to my sporting events. Even later in his life he never went without asking after me. He always wanted to know what was going on with me. It tears me apart knowing that I was so far from him the last few years of my life, and I wish I was around more. It hurt even worse not being able to see him in such a frail and helpless state. A man I saw live his life his way, and never bowed to anything, it killed me to see him have no power. I wish I could have been there with him in his last moments.

I am thankful for the 25 years I did have him. He gave so much love to me, and I can never thank him enough for that. He loved me unconditionally, and it’s something I will miss for the rest of my life. I can say, however, that I had that. A lot of people can’t claim as much. I am lucky and I count my blessings everyday. He gave me life through my father, and gave me so many things that are the world to me. He taught me life lessons, how to be my own man, and how to never let life get you down or direct you in any way but your own.

I will miss my grandpa terribly, but the smart part of me knows I will never truly be without him. He will always live in my heart. I will always have our good times and good memories. He will forever be an influence on my life and who I am. I will never live a day without trying to be the man he taught me to be. I have a lot to live up to as the last male in the family line, but I had good teachers and examples in my father and grandpa. Without the most important male figures in my life, I would not be here today.

I will miss you Grandpa. I will think about you always, and I know you will watch down over me. I will not say goodbye, because I will see you again. Rest peacefully… You’re in my heart and mind.

George Luther Townsend

“When I look to the stars, I know just where you are, you’re looking down upon me…”, Fire by Dead By Sunrise

i wish that i had known him well.  he will be missed.